This Journal entry is really long, but I had to get this out of my system. If you read this, I would love some input, and just generally appreciate someone hearing me out.
As stated in my last journal entry, I graduated college in May.
I figured I would take it easy as I was going to move all of my college belonging to my room and kind of wind down from being so busy those last few weeks of college.
I was accepted to Cobalt, and it's very exciting, but I believed at the time that it was not quite what I wanted to do, even though the program is a worthwhile experience to improve my scenic painting skills to be at a pro level. The 2 year program was introduced to me by a friend's mother, who had done one of their shorter programs. My own mother was star-struck by this idea, and though I also found it to be very interesting, I felt, and still feel like she is trying to push me to do the program and in a way, live through me. It's bizarre.
I'm on the fence as I see a lot of problems that will result from doing this program right off the bat out of college, the major problem being this:
It is in the middle of nowhere and incredibly isolated.
Though it is only 2 hours and 30 minutes away from where both my father and Mother live (They are divorced) I do not have a license, let alone a car.
my mother and I have been trying to work towards my license these past three years. It never works out, because only having the span of short breaks to work on it is not enough time, and my mother focuses on whatever job she has at the time, and my two younger siblings, so the time left for me is incredibly small.
We tried to go to a driving instructor whenever my mom did have time for me, but it was incredibly repetitive to the point I was exasperated. I felt like I was going in circles and never improving. We've even heard the troubles other people have had with this driving instructor, further proving that it's not going to work out.
I think I'd especially be digging myself into a hole if I were to attend Cobalt while license-less. I refuse to let that happen.
It also feels too soon, and I'd rather start trying to actually find a job in my field as I am already incredibly behind on that. My Mom does not have a lot of money, she wafts around from Job to job in various fields, be it working at Macy's or teaching jobs that are temporary. I don't like being another one of her expenses.
She has to take care of three children, two cats, a dog, and even financially support/babysit her Boyfriend who is unfortunately living with us.
(I don't want to focus on criticizing my mother, so I will try my hardest to avoid that as she has a lot to deal with already.)
I have an appointment soon to get all four of my wisdom teeth removed. As far as I am told, this requires $5,000 that we don't have. Mom wants my father to pay for that, yet he refuses. She even nagged me to call him in the hopes hearing me talk to him would change his mind, but he is a businessman who can not be swayed so easily, and I don't have the heart, or the guts to demand or manipulate anyone, let alone my own Father, to give me money, even if they easily could.
I also had trouble bringing myself to call him because I hate the fact that the only reason I'd be calling him was for Money and not to do what I'd rather do, which is just to catch up.
I called him today, just to stop the nagging, and he told me that his mind was unchanged. he believes that my Mom has the money. He thinks that she has enough child support saved that she would be able to use it for this purpose, as it should be. (As I am 21, he no longer is required by law to give mom anymore of my child support)
Hell if I know.
My younger sibling(Who he still is required to pay child support for) and I, since we were young, have never paid attention to that. We left it up to our parents to fight about, and this fight will probably never stop until the child support completely stops. I honestly don't give a shit. Even though I probably should, my parents only very recently have tried to include me in this fight, and as I have always been blissfully unaware, I don't know who to believe, and I frankly wish they would keep it between themselves and stop dragging me into it. Both mom and dad have been telling me where my child support goes, and I do believe that Mom is paying for bills and expenses that involve me, but I also somewhat believe what Dad thinks, which is that she uses it for other things that are more for her own benefit. Either way, I want to stay out of it, because I hate doubting them both.
During this phone call today, I also talked with Dad's secretary, and they both agree that I should put off Cobalt and move to the City. I honestly agree with them 100%. Mom and everyone else will think they are manipulating me into this decision, but truthfully, I hate where I live right now- I'm isolated, my few high school friends in the area are busy or don't talk me anymore, and This town is less than ideal.
My grand plan from the start has always been to move to the city and work in Children's theater there. Right now, I have no job/ no actual paid work experience to speak of, and the longer I stay here, the less chance I have to leave.
After talking to Dad, we've decided that after my wisdom teeth are taken care of, I'll start preparing for moving, and I'll stay with Dad while he helps me look for an apartment. Then once that's taken care of, I'll attend a driving school there, and try to apply to the Children's theater in the area.
It's somewhat stressful, and the one that will be hurt most in this decision is my Mother, but I need to do what's best for me right now, and being here is not that.
Listening to: Splatoon Soundtrack
Watching: Steven Universe